by Michael X.
Me (explaining to Jesus): It was a very bad day to start with. A week before the day in question, I received a call from my son Ricky, who lived in Ontario, informing me that he was dying of cancer and had only a few weeks to live. My wife and I knew immediately that we had go out to to see and comfort him one last time. So it was with a heavy heart that I got up that morning, May 11, 2020, to embark on the 9,000+ km round trip.
I found myself walking around in a daze. To make matters worse, I was constipated. The first thing I did when I woke up was to take several stool softeners and a double dose of a laxative. However, just as I was about to leave and because of my absent mindedness, I mistakenly took another dose of the same medication.
Jesus: Wow! That would have had consequences.
Me: Hey, tell me about it. We got to about Hedley BC when my insides started to feel like they were going to explode. I could not avail myself of any public washrooms along the way. All of them were locked because of the Covid business. I was hoping that I might come upon a gas station but no luck.
Finally, I had to stop and attend to business before I pooped my pants. I grabbed a roll of paper towels and leaped from the car. However, I had picked an unfortunate location. I found myself at the top of a steep rocky embankment. I climbed down the embankment just enough to be out of sight. I dropped my pants with only seconds to spare.
Jesus: That must have been a relief.
Me: Not so much, as it turned out. I thought I had fully relieved my bowels but my stomach was still rumbling. In my haste to squat I found myself in an awkward posture so I leaned forward to adjust my position. Big mistake! I had misjudged how far off perpendicular I already was and my slight adjustment caused me to fall face forward down the rocky embankment. I fell about 15 feet.
Jesus: Ewww, that would have been painful.
Me: You don't know the half of it. The slope was covered in rip-rap: rocks whose size was between 6" and 12" in diameter with sharp edges and were covered with vines that had very sharp spines - like raspberry bushes. So I found myself face down on the rocks with a face full of sharp thorns. My pants were down around my ankles so my legs were also full of these prickly spines and so, too, my arms. To make matters worse, my feet were higher than my head so that when I tried to get up I didn't have the strength to do so. If you were looking down at me you would also have noticed that my bare bum - how shall I say this - was in an un-wiped state. I was in complete despair and I think I remember calling out to you to help me.
Jesus: I do remember you calling out to me and I do remember looking down at you - from the cross - and thinking, "Jeez, and I thought I was having a bad day!"
Me: But, in spite of your tribulations, you helped me out and I was grateful. I am grateful. But the next morning, when I woke, I looked and felt like I had gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
We both laughed.
Jesus: Sorry about your boy but his time had come. There was nothing I could do about it - but he was taken in the night. He did not suffer.
Me: Again, I am grateful. I hope that I am granted the same mercy when my time comes.
Jesus: Maybe you will - if you behave yourself.
Me: Fat chance of that.
And we laughed again.
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